I personally am over-punctual.. i get totally stressed-out if i have the feeling that i will be late… for whatever. For years now i have not been wearing a watch.. because i thought not wearing one would perhaps make me a bit more tolerant towards myself. But no, it does not work that way. One of the things i might get myself for christmas this year is a watch! All i do now is run around checking out the time on my mobile phone, on tv or on my pc. so.. i am still over-punctual.. even though i try not to be.

However… just because i am like this..i do NOT expect others to be the same. This is one of my basic philosophies. I cannot expect others to live like me.. they live in their reality.. and i live in mine – and if punctuality is one of my big issues… well fine. It is my problem.

So perhaps i should not even complain….. just shut up and leave it as it is… but hey.. i cannot. No.. not completely. See i have this friend.. no..she is more than that.. she is my sister.. i love her dearly.. we have been in touch for over 3 years now.. we are thick as thieves.. we laugh, we cry, we giggle… we make plans – re her and her family visiting us.. and vice versa. All lovely and fun.. the sister i never had… the best friend i also never had. so this is really an awesome relationship :)Ii cherish it and her.. her children are my nieces and nephews.. her husband is my bro-in-law.. we talk about everything, share… in short i love her like i would love my real sis.. provided i had one.. or perhpaps not? I do realize that there are sisters that do not get along.. but she is or would be the ideal sis.

Anyway… she has been having problems.. many of them im the past. Her health, her hubby’s health, her youngest daughter was being mobbed at school, a friend of her was murdered, her husband was a real ass – but that has been resolved in the meantime! – lots and lots and lots has happened.Oh yes.. and she let her female dog get pregnant twice in succession….. in my eyes, out of carelessnes.. i was furious about that, i admit and told her off. Being a dog-person myself i have very strict views on breeding, keeping dogs etc. those accidents do NOT happen if you are watchful.. if you care.. and if you are
responsible.. but a young female.. not even 1 year old .. pregnant? and then again right after the first litter was out of the house?? Hell and damnation! no way!!! So that was the only ‘hair in the soup’ between the two of us. But it was never a problem.. we both believe that only by being honest can you be really friends and help each other…

But then… i am having problems with my internet provider.. so much so that i can only be online properly after midnight.. ok that makes things difficult. She was without a connection for weeks.. because the bill was not paid.. – my nephew had been surfing without her knowledge and the bill went skyhigh! We stayed in touch via short message system .. the phone is a problem for me because we do not live in the same countries.. and i only have a mobile phone as there are no landlines available here.

So then? well… contact just got less and less…. i can still understand that cause she is very busy with an upcoming family celebration.. a BIG THING.. as you might say :) I miss her.. but then i was busy too.. moving house.. getting settled-in in the new place…… all that.. and now.. 3 times we made dates to meet online…… ok i admit the first time i did not turn up – left a message though.. i was so tired that i just plain felt i was going to fall asleep.. after all we do meet around midnight.. next time i was there.. she turned up 2 hours late.. by then i WAS in bed. we having a time difference of 1 hour.. and the last time.. i was there…. and she just plain forgot …… *sigh*………… i hate it. I feel….. unimportant… neglected…. yes.. i realize that this post has nothing to do with being punctual.. it is about feeling neglected…

where does that leave me? yeah.. i agree. a friendship can take this…

the problem is.. there are no alternatives.. where i live.. there are no landlines. it is satellite…… or nothing. so…. i figured something out… yeah.. by reading the contract PROPERLY.. hahaha.. they only slow me down during main traffic hours.. which would be.. 1 p.m. – 11 p.m. … CET+1 … before.. and after that.. i am up to my normal speed. so.. i am doing all my big uploads and stuff after midnight.. and being a nightowl in the first place.. fine with me!

good day to all….. and have a good start into the new week!

patience……. ah.. not one of MY strong points really. since having tbi though i had to learn to be patient.. mostly with myself.. i think that is very very hard. to be patient with yourself… to be gentle, loving and kind to yourself, especially when your body no longer functions the way you have been used to over the years.

suddenly.. from one day to the next.. BANG… you are no longer the mother who can multi-task, it is no longer possible for you to have an open ear for your children, be on the phone with a friend, watch tv, pet the dogs and cook – all at the same time of course. neither are you the multi-tasking wife-lover-cook-sweetheart for your partner any longer…… and at work? you become pretty useless because you cannot find that file for your boss, make a quick translation from german to english and answer the phone also all at the same time. so? your body.. your mind has become useless.. you think… and you just want to get away from it.

now if your are lucky.. you have a loving partner, who will never understand fully what is happening inside you, but, who at least tries to understand, tries to comfort, tries to help. at worst you have some idiot next to you, who does not want to understand, couldn’t care less how you feel about it and goes on a 4 week holiday after you return from a 3 month stay in hospital. when asking him who would help you around the house – as you are still bruised and hurt from the accident, your bones have not mended yet, let alone your soul – the laconic answer is.. well the kids are there.. and that is when you feel you have been dumped…. really dumped.. like rubbish.. thrown out, a plastic bag filled with useless stuff, stuff that is broken, rotten, outdated and just plain uninteresting.

and at that point you start hating yourself… (well i did). hating the other person who drank alcohol and crashed head-on into your car… hating the gods for letting you live.. hating everybody.. everything….. i felt cheated and the hate and anger built up in me.

oh but now i drifted off again. so sorry… i will get into this again.. one of these days. but this post is about being patient.. with yourself and others… uhm.. is it now? lets see where it takes me now …

when am i patient.. and when am i just saying i am being patient but actually all i do is putting-off something unpleasant? and why am i being so impatient with myself.. even though i know the results of my impatience? i KNOW that if i push things too far i have to pay for it and still………… i push, well perhaps a bit less now but still….. now and then.. PUSH !

and then.. the word patience… patient… if you are sick, are in hospital.. you become a patient… the word patience again.. being patient with oneself… letting the body heal, letting the mind heal.. that just takes time.. lots of time sometimes. and in order to heal, you have to be patient with yourself.. over and over again. but how can you be patient nowadays? it is almost as if being patient and being A PATIENT has become a luxury… because it takes TIME.. and time is dear, time is something many people just do not have, time has become precious, time itself has become a luxury. phew… now how philosophical am i getting.. look at me! but hey.. isn’t it true? who has time? and time to spare? free time? no i am not talking about organized holidays where – o dear! – you have ORGANIZED tours and your time-schedule and everything is oh so organized cause who wants to just laze around? no.. i am talking about TIME.. you have to talk to a neighbour, time you have to play with a child, to listen to some music, read a book……. or to HEAL……..

do i have a solution? no of course not. if yes, i’d probably be rich……… hahahaha… but hey.. in a way i am rich.. cause i DO have time. am i contradicting myself now? yes in a way i am i guess…i am a very impatient person.. and still… i CAN stop… i CAN take a deep breath and tell myself.. cut it out woman you are overdoing it again!. well THAT at least i learned.. i can see WHEN i am overdoing it again WHEN i need to pull the brakes….. and i CAN stop. i meditate.. i walk with my dogs.. i listen to music, chat to my man, a friend, a neighbour… but hey.. look what it took me to learn this lesson.. a hell of an accident, where i nearly lost my life… well it was the kind of message i obviously needed..

do you have time?

oh.. and P.S. … PLEASE click on my cause.. it just takes a click to help. thank you :)
]]> http://notmadeleinethinking.wordpress.com/2009/09/03/puzzled-to-say-the-least/feed/ 1 notmadeleine http://notmadeleinethinking.wordpress.com/2009/09/03/deleting-account/ http://notmadeleinethinking.wordpress.com/2009/09/03/deleting-account/#comments Thu, 03 Sep 2009 07:40:17 +0000 notmadeleine http://notmadeleinethinking.wordpress.com/2009/09/03/deleting-account/ ]]> hello my dear readers

before i get more watchers here on this account – if it is possible to watch me? i heard it was NOT possible as the account could not be found….. mh…

well anyway… to prevent more confusion… i will delete this account and set up a new one. add the content of this one to the new account, new blog and hope that things will run smoothly then. i am not very knowledgeable re blogging but i saw that others have similar problems with the error 404 message and no solutions seem to be available.

so.. as to not get totally frustrated with this new undertaking of mine, i decided to delete this account today. i will let you know my new address once i have set up the new account. it will probably be similar to this one? we shall see. in any case.. thanks for visiting, thanks for reading.. and a bientôt ;)

madeleine
]]> http://notmadeleinethinking.wordpress.com/2009/09/03/deleting-account/feed/ 0 notmadeleine http://notmadeleinethinking.wordpress.com/2009/09/02/why-i-support/ http://notmadeleinethinking.wordpress.com/2009/09/02/why-i-support/#comments Wed, 02 Sep 2009 13:30:24 +0000 notmadeleine http://notmadeleinethinking.wordpress.com/?p=16 ]]> The Art of Elysium

do you wonder why i am sponsoring this cause?

quite simple actually:

• because i am an artist

• because i was a sick child once

• because i know that art can heal

• because i know that art can do magic

• because i love to see a child’s smile

• because i love to see the light in a child’s eyes

• because art can help to communicate

• because art can make words unnecessary

• because art can make a difference

• because art is creativity and creativity is life

• because art can give self-esteem

• because art is fun

• because art is funny

• because art is living

• because art unites

ok.. these are my reasons for sponsoring this cause.

please… press on that button and help to raise funds. thank you!!!

peace and love

madeleine

sorry it took me a while to answer your email. you have asked me what made me change my eating habits to lose 53 lbs.. ? oh and as to being skinny.. no way. i can easily lose another 53 lbs without being skinny afterwards.. yes.. i was that grossly overweight, though.. i carried my weight well. i never looked THAT gross……… but i felt it.

normally i just reply to your mails……… spontaneous and without too much ‘thought’.. wrong way of saying it but i think you might know what i mean.. i just write whatever comes to mind.. and that is fine. this however is a subject that goes deep.. and far back.. and in general has to do with my way of living and how my life has been and is at the moment….. it might turn out to be a longish email so.. sit back and relax.. get something to drink or to munch before you start reading this…….. and mind you please…….. you and all who are reading this – since it goes to the group too – this is MY VIEW.. entirely my way of seeing things.. of feeling about things…….. it is MY philosophy that i have gathered from how things were for me.. how my life has been so far and of the things that i have learned… so if you have a different view.. fine with me…….. everybody is entitled to his/her way of living of seeing things.  i respect that……….. and all i ask is that my view is respected too. not belittled…… put down or made fun of….. i am a woman in her fifties.. i have seen a lot, experienced more than i would like to – sometimes  – i have travelled.. i have been hurt.. and hurt…….. and hurt again badly.. in body and mind.. have lost 2 grandchildren, nearly lost my daughter after that,  nearly lost my life.. have learned what it is to be really dirt poor, to be treated like shit.. had a stalker after me and my husband.. this sicko ruined my husband’s business.. and then after he did that he tried to ruin my reputation as well…… so i KNOW what i am talking about. but even without all this, i still have the right to my opinion……. and having it treated with respect… as i treat other’s opinions with respect.. well most of the time….. if it gets too absurd i just.. ignore it …

so what has made me change my eating habits? easy to answer my friend. my will to live. … to live as comfortably as possible. things have changed for me since my accident 20 years ago.. well 22 years to be exact. i have some negative things to say about it.. but basically it is a positive experience. well.. it is always our choice how we want to see and experience things. i can fall into total negativity and start complaining about my aches and pains and side effects and bla bla .. but i can also see the things that have changed for me and that are GOOD.. like.. becoming an artist.. becoming more aware of myself, of life in general.. of not taking things for granted. to enjoy life….. thanks to my accident and tbi i have learned to say NO. i have learned to put myself first because if i do not do that i am useless…. to myself and others. i have learned to set boundaries .. to tell others off if necessary so that i can have the quiet and rest i need….. well it was never difficult for me to put my foot down…. but differently. anyway…

the first step was .. to stop smoking.. which was about 5 years ago.. and i was still living in another country then and still very much involved in the poverty-stalker-thing. to stop was very easy. once i make up my mind to do something i do it without thinking much about it anymore….. my mind was set and i just got the right moment to do it. and did it. from 60 cigarettes a day to 0. just like that. the only side-effects at first were.. i felt tired, for about 2 weeks.. then that stopped too. i was happy but mind you i did NOT feel good at first.. also not on second sight. i started to put on weight.. and my aches and pains got worse.. and i could no longer take my dogs for long walks.. and a negative spiral started once again…… figures though.. cause life is a two way thing.. like a trap-door.. or that give-and-take-thing… what goes on inside of us has an impact on what happens around us.. and vice versa. i was surrounded by negativity.. and became negative.. and the more negative i became the more negativity was around me. you understand what i am trying to say? … there was chaos inside me.. so there has to be chaos around me… it is – to me – a logic consequence. it is not the first time this happened to me LOL.. no.. another logic thing for me…… things keep happening to me for as long as i finally get the message ……… i see life as full of lessons.. and as long as i have not learned a lesson i keep on getting pushed into situations to learn about it, that lesson… but anyway i am drifting off a bit.

so…….. another philosophy of mine is…… we can always make choices. basically we are the ‘architects’ of our lives. yes, things happen to us.. things that we cannot influence and that we cannot change.. but it is up to us what we make of them. we can sit back and cry.. or we can take up the challenge and do something….. THERE the choice is ours. get what i mean? ok.. so we were still living in g. .. all this shit happening around us….. and my husband and i sat down and talked. this could not go on.. we both felt how this was pulling us down…. how it made us sick .. how it affected us. and there we made a conscious decision.. to get out. i had a friend at the time who scolded me.. said i was running away.. we were running away. but i told her that was rubbish.. you cannot run away from yourself or from your lessons, from destiny or fate.. whatever you want to call it. if things were meant to be this way for us.. then there would be a repetition of this in the new place……. so we left. yes i know.. not everybody can do that….. but we could. because my disability pension lets us live here.. not in poverty.. not in richness either but we can live… and we do not have to worry how to eat the next day nor how to pay the bills. and.. another thing.. everybody gets his and her chance.. sometimes over and over again.. BUT.. you have to see them… have to WANT to see them. sitting around mopeing wont help.. that just clouds ones view. better to sit up straight and look around and say…. ok what is there for me? anyway…….

and now we are here… or were here.. and i still put on weight……. logic. you cannot change from one day to another. things affect you… and it is not like a glove you can just take off and forget about. it takes time to find a new rhythm.. to adapt to new situations…… to let go and start to relax.. but things are good for us here……… the people are nice.. the country is nice.. i never got a funny glance for being overweight…. nor did we as a couple get funny looks because my husband is a lot younger than i am.. the people of this country are very different to the people of other countries i have lived in….and having lived all over the place i CAN compare…. and i do. and i see that here you are being treated with a lot more respect.. as an indiviual, a person.. a couple.. a man or a woman or whatever. things are taken the way they are.. without any snide remarks made in back of you. mind you.. i am sure there is also gossiping here … but it is different…… so i could start to relax.. and i could start to take deep breaths.. and i could start to realize.. that if i did not stop eating like a pig and started to concentrate on my eating habits.. i would not be able to enjoy this quality of life for any length of time! it is HOT here.. and i mean HOT. now again we had 5 weeks straight of temps of 106°F and more….. and you know we do not have AC’s here – thank god! … but i felt the strain on my health last year. my feet swelling up.. my bp becoming more or less uncontrolable.. sleeping badly, sounding like a steam-engine when walking just a few steps.. my chest constricting when moving just a little bit outside in the heat…. those were all very alarming signals to me…… and they scared the shit out of me.. believe me! well.. and as i believe – as i said above – that we can take things in our hand, there are situation where we have to act.. THIS was one of them.. for sure. i could not run around telling everybody oh poor me.. i cannot .. i am helpless.. blablabla and bullshitting myself by doing so. I had to ACT…….. and not just re-act. and lo and behold it was my birthday this year and i was surfing around the internet when i came to this page… this swiss page where there was info on a ‘diet’ program.. similar to weight-watchers.. all online, a small membership fee was requested.. there is a forum where you can exchange ideas.. there are nutritionalists online that help you along if necessary…… well all i needed was the ok from my doc.. being this extremely overweight they required that.. and then i joined…. and became member for 1 year. THAT was MY birthdaypresent to myself.. we worked out my body-mass-index and then i was given the amount of calories i am allowed to eat per day.. and i was told the average weight-loss then should be about 2,5 lbs per week. and you know what? it is EXACTLY 2,5 lbs per week.. well even a bit more because i am doing it for 20 weeks now and have lost 53 lbs…… but i walk more so i guess it has something to do with that. i NEVER had a stop of weight loss…. i can eat anything i like.. even chocolates.. if i want. i never have any cravings.. i feel well balanced.. i never feel hungry..  and now? my bp is behaving wonderfully.. no more swollen feet.. not even if i sit all day long. the heat does not bother me in the least…. i take my dogs walking every day.. even in the heat.. and we walk over a mile.. and that several times a day. of course my knees hurt.. my foot hurts…… my aches and pains are here just the same as before.. but i can deal differently with them……

so.. and now we are back to my philosophy…… the one where i say that what is inside us is reflected, mirrored on the outside.. and vice versa. we went away from a thoroughly negative situation….. WE were negative… our surroundings were negative. we came here.. still negative inside.. but the outside here is different….. the outside is positive.. and slowly.. we can accept that.. no not only accept it but integrate it.. become one with it… live it too…… so now the outside is affecting our insides….. and we have time to slowly start healing.. from all that negativity in the past. mind you.. we stil have our day to day problems.. worries and the like.. but that is something totally different to the way things were before……..

i know this is half a book i wrote now…… and i hope i have not overdone it…… it is just my way of seeing things…… of life in general and living……. i am glad that we could make this conscious choice and i know that ‘fate’ gave us this opportunity to change things.. ‘fate’ always offers us opportunities and ways out.. and ways to change and ways to alter things… what we have to do is take fate up on it.. take the hand that is offered and yes.. also jump into the cold water once in a while… if we remain in the position we are, things will never change….. if we are in a bad situation … and we decide to take the hand fate offers us.. well what can we lose. can things really get worse? hardly………… but that is what we are afraid of……… right?

soooooooooooo………. that is what motivated me to lose weight my friend. just……. wanting to live………. and to enjoy living…… as well as we can !